Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
