I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
