then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
