remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
