Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
