The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
