Just fell off a train. Bad.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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