spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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