i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
