So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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