Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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