I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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