i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
