whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
