Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
