The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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