Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
