I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
