the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize