Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize