Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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