If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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