get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
