You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
