Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
