I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
