I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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