when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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