I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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