I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
