Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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