I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
