I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
