I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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