Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
