At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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