Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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