if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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