Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
