Umm I'm too high to move.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
