she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
