My sheets look like a crime scene.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
