Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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