I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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