You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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