"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize