I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
