so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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