New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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