I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
