I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
