I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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