I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
