last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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