True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
