you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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