Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
