home. puking in laundry basket.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize