The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I need moral support for this bender
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
