the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
