apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
