Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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