I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
