i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
