i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
