I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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