I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
